Thoughts About My Deceased Brothers

I know it's late, but just thought I would do a post before going to bed. Clearing my mind here. The topic earlier today with my family was about my two oldest brothers who have died.
Unfortunately, my son didn't get to meet either one of them. A couple weeks after he was born, one died (doctors claim from natural causes) and the other I didn't get to see (he was killed in a hit and run).
The reason I am bringing this up is because of, I guess guilt. The last time I seen either of them was in my teens, ironically on two different Christmases.
When I was pregnant in 2013, my oldest brother (the first one who died) had come to visit for a few days with his sons. I didn't get to go because my husband at the time didn't want to go, plus his other issues that had been going on, and I had nausea from morning sickness. Needless to say, my brother wasn't happy and everyone else was mad at me too.
Then he died in February of 2014.
And then my other brother was killed in a hit and run when he was walking and trying to return home to my mom's house. I remember hearing the news late at night.
I feel guilt because I didn't ever see them again when I had the chance.
I remember my brother (1st one) would call at times and tell me to make something of myself, improve my life. At the time I had been creating cartoons, and he encouraged me to keep creating them.
All I can say is, I wish they were here and could see that I'm trying hard to make something of my life and my son's life by finally publishing my books. I think they would be proud of me, or at least I like to think they would be. I'm trying hard to the point of stress and losing sleep just for my son. Not really successful right now, but I'm not giving up. I'm not a quitter, and I think they knew I had that in me.
God, I hope things work out. Hope I can give my son a good life and I hope that my two brothers forgive me for not being there when they were here to visit. I seriously hope I am making them proud that I'm doing my best to make it. And I hope that they forgive me for the bad choices in guys I made haha.
I miss them and love them both and yeah, I feel guilt every day, but like I tell myself, it was out of my control.

That's final thoughts for tonight. Happy on the outside, but feeling sad and guilt on the inside.

Thanks for reading. Love
Ariana